Thought 3 - Surmounting Apathy

This morning I woke up in a large, comfortable home with my family. Enveloped in a forest of green, without a doubt that I could feast on whatever food would be found in the fridge while tasting luscious liquid gold pour down my throat - and not just any liquid gold, but the very best, most coveted kind in the Indianapolis region. I didn't have to rise early to work hard to provide anything for anyone. I used the restroom, flushed the toilet, turned the faucet on, and washed my hands with soap.

I actually stopped writing this post several days ago and am just now coming back to it - although maybe it's not a good time. I am feeling sad. Really sad. Like heavy-hearted, no good kind of emotion sad. Stop - let me find another word for my underlying current emotion... distressed. I think that's the word. I feel out of touch with who I am, out of touch with who God is, out of touch with. my priorities, dreams, hopes, and out of touch with service in general. I want so desperately to serve and have a mentality of service. I want to desperately to have self-control. I want so desperately to understand what is happening in the world and still be able to smile... but I am tired. 

Honestly, ever since the last few days of May, I have been down in the dumps, unsure of what is really happening and where my bedrock is. I feel helpless, and dare I even say hopeless. I am heart-heavy to a level I haven't experienced for a long time. I am unsure about the future. I feel weird about going back to IWU but I am not sure if the Lord has something else for me... I am just not sure about a lot of things and I wish I had an abundance of time, but that's perhaps the thing that is bringing me the most anxiety - my shortage of time. I am thankful that IWU will be going until Thanksgiving and then coming home afterward. 

Everything is heavy. The world is heavy.  The people dying - both from molecules of disease and molecules of hatred. The world is spinning too fast - my heart is no longer quieted and soft and still as it was even a month ago. I don't like the busy-ness. I don't like the fast-paced American way. I don't like it. I actually despise it. 

I miss my God - I miss myself - I miss my people. That's exactly the thing. I am feeling apathetic, saddened, disparaged, and am even playing the victim game. The reality is, there are some very difficult people in my life that I don't know how to interact with, but the difficulties have arisen out of my own insecurities. My own insecurities go as follow: being out of shape, not gaining self-control over my body, feeling a lack of direction for the future, feeling pressured to have things figured out, insecure about my giftings and my relationship with God, feeling insecure about my personality, and even feeling insecure about the present - who I am. I am almost afraid of who I am becoming. But what I haven't stopped to do is celebrate. Celebrate the progress - where I've been and where I've come from and where I'm going. 

In March 2020 I came home due to COVID-19 - rather abruptly - had to say goodbye to the friends I'd been doing life with, and walked into my home fearful that my daddy would get the disease and die. Only one part of his kidney is functional and therefore he is immunocompromised. That same month, I started working out harder and with more grace than ever, and have gotten into the best shape since 2018. I gained a lot of fat over college and Morales Group, and while that sucks, you live and you learn and then you keep moving forward. Throughout COVID, and up until late May, I had a lot of rest in my heart. I got a job at Soma, which I love, and am able to exercise my gifts of worship there while receiving some source of income. I'm so thankful for that! I was able to see friends, hang out with old and the new, and enjoy people's company. I started water-coloring my times with the Lord and soaking in His presence. I began developing a morning routine and homeschooling a refugee girl. I started doing a Bible study with Amelia. I started being coached by my brilliant daddy. I started taking a Science of Happiness Course online at Yale. I started eating whole foods. The days got longer and warmer, so I've been getting sunshine. I started learning and reading more about black culture and gaining insight. Tamise started mentoring me. I lead a worship lament night in light of all the traumatic things going on in the world. We went to a peaceful protest on Sunday to learn from brothers and sisters and to participate in speaking life over one another. I have gotten closer to my siblings than ever before. I am learning about my weaknesses and sinfulness more and more. I have been faced with things that have confronted my covetousness. I have been faced with opportunities to exercise humility. I've been so much more active and willing to learn. I've watched the office with Caleb and my brothers. Caleb and I have had so many refreshing moments together, learning from each other and laughing with each other. I ordered a bunch of new clothes and have felt really cute. Caleb bought me the nicest brand of yoga mat and its the bomb. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, but I'm learning and learning and learning and am understanding that the fitness journey actually takes a long time for most people, and that's ok. 

I've had amazing phone calls with my friends, am learning from them, have felt encouraged, strengthened, and full of love. I am not lifeless. I am full of life. I am made for such a time as this. I'm not sure what God is doing and why He is sending me to IWU, but I am committed to learning and understanding and gathering information and seeking His face and growing from my surroundings. I love home. My heart really aches at the thought of leaving. The reality is, I am so afraid to go back because I know it will mean confronting my insecurities and inadequacies. I know it will mean being faced with pride, body image insecurities, roommate insecurities, people's opinions, etc. What I mostly crave is the ability to be so rooted in my God and in who I am as a daughter of God that there is no room for those insecurities. I desire a groundedness and honesty with myself and with God and with others. I don't want to live miserably and the way I'm living right now feels pretty miserable. I don't want to live in a place of comparing all the time or wishing I was something I wasn't. I want to love people so well.  I want to grow and change and rise to the challenge of being fully myself under the shadow and banner of God Almighty. I don't want to be fake. I want my whole true self to shine through the deepest parts of me, even if they are not happy parts. I want to seek God's face and be near to Him - and not compare my walk with Him to someone else's. I want to educate myself and pour into other people. I want so desperately to love others well. I am committed to seeking God's Kingdom. 

I don't want to waste my life. I won't waste my life. I will use mt life for the glory of God and His Kingdom come. I will open up my hands in a posture of surrender so as to surmount apathy. 

Let it be so.