Thought 1

This is my first blog post. I have a slight idea of what I'd like to do, but honestly, it's underdeveloped. I don't want to wait to write a blog until I have it all figured out either. This is a space for me to unravel my thoughts in my head. Nobody knows it's here, nobody knows its purpose or anything else for that matter. My desire is to have a blank space to write almost daily, where I can capture thoughts, ideas, dreams, and form paragraphs made up by fancy-ish words that help me articulate the deeper things in my soul that I haven't learned to express in speech or even in deed; no, instead they remain stuck in my head and nobody ever hears about them. Why? I think the basis of it is fear. Fear that they'll think I'm crazy, weird, or jerk their elbows back in victorious motion, delighting that their assumption at my being homeschooled (and thus implying oddities within my persona that I could be self-conscious of) was indeed accurate and that I merely mold into the stereotypes. 

It's typical, isn't it, to march on with life in normalcy and mediocracy and to forget about the deep things that make life like a rich piece of chocolate cake. It's easy to hide parts of ourselves. Stop. It's easy for ME to hide parts of MYSELF - my joyous, deep, emotional, bright, beautiful, messy self - because of the very thing I loathe the most: FEAR. I don't believe I was ever made to experience it.  I don't believe humanity was created under the assumption that they would face fear and doubt and shame of themselves - from their naked, bare bodies to their thoughts and ideas to their lack of or abundance of this thing or that thing - shame is what kills my soul and screams at it, stomps on it and begs it to remain shut up until finally - that thing - the whimsy, imagination, excitement, enthusiasm, love, expression, deep sadness, frustration - dies. 

I turn 19 on Thursday. I'm really excited - I'm always excited to start a new age. I get tired of telling people (normally by the 300th day) that I am the particular age that I am and am instead excited to move on to the next. I feel like that's a large part of who I am - and maybe this is what this blog is about - figuring out who I am and jotting it down so as to remember - but anyway, I was saying, that I am a bigger better deal person who is rarely content with one thing for too long and ready for the next thing as soon as one has arrived. I have a hard time being present to soak up moments of beauty and delight -  and sadness and pain - I like to move on. And it's exactly that - I am afraid. What will they say? What will they talk about behind my back? Will there be complaints? Annoyances? Wonderful things? I don't know! And maybe what I'm most afraid of is that: not knowing. The unknown - to be more profound. 

I don't feel like I'm an anxious human, but I do know that fear of man has always been a struggle - a battle - a battle that I don't feel like I have a lot of victory over. The reality is, I DON'T WANT TO STRUGGLE. I DON'T WANT TO CARE ABOUT WHAT OTHERS ARE SAYING. I WANT to BE 100% MYSELF, 100% OF THE TIME.

The other thing about me that I think is really life-sucking - is my pride. I am such a proud person and I have such high thoughts of myself and who I should be and who I want others to see me as and yada yada.... and that really drains me! If I could learn the brave art of humility that would be amazing. I'm praying that Jesus will give me the strength and courage to pursue wisdom and humility.  

I don't want this to be an inspirational blog that makes readers think profoundly in a new way - because if I start writing it with that intention there will be pressure and a lack of peace in writing and sharing the rawest parts of my heart. I truly hope that this blog will be genuine, realistic, intense, and full of imagination. 

I want to be excited about life and take ahold of it like it's a precious jewel that deserves utmost attention - and that's because it IS a precious jewel. Intentionality is non-negotiable. Focus is non-negotiable. I have wasted enough moments, lost enough breaths, and forgotten who I am too many times to count on both hands and both feet. 

Enough is enough. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. It starts now.  Let the journey begin. 

Also, I thought of achiever meets creative because I am a three on the enneagram but I COULD be a four, but I don't know what I am so there's that. The title might change 1000 times before this blog sees the light of day... 

Madeline